Connections
Connections
I had a nice talk with a friend this morning. We had worked together for the past 6 years at an amazing school. We are both starting new paths soon and will be going our separate ways. Toward the end of our conversation, we both committed to try to stay in touch going forward. Our intentions are good, but, at least in my case, I am terrible at keeping those connections. Over my 35-year career, I have worked in at least 11 different places and interacted with hundreds of amazing people. At each of these schools or offices, I grew to love and value colleagues like family. In the midst of the work with these teams or groups, we created relationships that were meaningful and significant. Much of who I am today was forged through those relationships. However, in each situation, within a few weeks, I began to lose touch with them. Despite how important these people were to me, time and distance eroded the immediacy of those relationships.
So, I have been reflecting on why these connections have mostly faded over time. Neuroscience and psychology help explain some of this. Research shows that, at our best, we can only really focus on 3 – 5 things at a time. Unless something is in our immediate path of activity, it is unlikely to be an integral part of our thinking. As we are in the flow of our day, we go through thousands of iterations of addressing the needs and demands of the moment. The people we see everyday get the advantage of being involved in this process and therefore stay in our minds more often. Additionally, there is evidence that we can only maintain active relationships with around 150 people. So, with every new phase of our lives, we expand our circle of interactions. Depending on the situation and length of time, we can surpass the 150 mark quickly. We then must prioritize our connections so that we can function effectively.
As I write this, it all sounds cold and sterile. It seems to minimize the heart of our relationships. So, how do we find balance with the systemic process at work and the emotional dynamics we experience? For me, I have come to realize that just because certain people haven’t crossed my mind lately or I haven’t crossed theirs, it doesn’t have to take away from the specialness of our past relationships. It seems to be the default mode for most of us to paint every unknown situation with a negative brush. The truth is despite the lack of direct connection with our previous friends, the spark of love and affection is still there for each other. Recognizing this fact and knowing the science of how the mind works, I can embrace that they are just living their lives the best they can within the limits of human nature. So, I can choose to be grateful for the time I had with them and how they impacted my life. And, if they cross my mind, I can reach out to them occasionally. If nothing else, I can smile and remember them fondly.
Given the process at work in our brains and the impermanence of all things, it is a reminder that we need to be more present with those around us daily. There’s an old saying I heard growing up: Love ‘em while you got ‘em. We would all benefit from taking a moment to appreciate those around us now and say a word of thanks for those from our past.