Owning our Blindspots
What do we do when we become aware that something we have believed or have done is wrong? Do we work on finding ways to justify our faulty thoughts and actions? Do we struggle with accepting that something we have held onto is detrimental to ourselves and others? Why is it so difficult for us to own our cognitive distortions and dysfunctional beliefs?
For me, it boils down to a self-image that was built on insecurities and misconceptions. I have spent a large part of my life trying to be perfect and trying to please everyone. I wanted people to see me as this awesome guy who always gets it right. Strangely, this worked often enough for me to believe this distorted story about myself. So, when I came across contradictions and resistance to this perception of myself, I would strike out in anger and frustration to protect my own fragile self-view. I believed the problem had to be rooted in others instead of me. I alienated people who cared about me because I felt attacked when they were trying to help me grow. I became “allergic” to any feedback or constructive criticism. I bought into the false notion that if I believed something, it must be right.
Over the past couple of years, I have been going through a transformation. I began to accept that I had several blind spots that were damaging me and my relationships. As I have opened myself to owning my thoughts, feelings, and behaviors, I have started moving toward a healthier, more balanced self-image. To no surprise, I have begun to see those around me with a clearer understanding and to become more receptive to hearing necessary insights and perspectives from them. This more accurate self-reflection is ongoing and life changing.
Recently, I listened to Ibram X. Kendi’s book, How to Be an Antiracist. It is a powerful read that is critically important for all of us. Kendi has provided vocabulary and structure to truly identify our biases and prejudices that implicitly and explicitly guide our lives. For me, it helped reveal my racist, classist, and sexist thoughts and ideas that I have ignored or denied over the years. As I previously mentioned, in the past, I wanted to be perfect, so I worked hard to be unbiased by “my” definitions. I felt proud of my self-righteousness while all the while holding onto beliefs that were hindering me from being the man I really wanted to be. What I have come to realize is that I have held onto placing people into a hierarchy, both consciously and unconsciously. As Kendi puts it, I have tried to assimilate others into my own world. Since I believed my mindset and perspective were accurate, I used those dysfunctional filters to place myself above others and expected them to rise to my standards. I sugar-coated this by convincing myself that I accepted and loved everyone for who they were, even if they didn’t or couldn’t live up to my “level”. I was blind to how “unequally” I measured the world around me.
Internalizing this concept has helped me see how I have minimized many people in my life. First and foremost, I have come to see how I have hurt my relationships with my wife and children over the years. Recognizing this has helped us strengthen our marriage and our family in a powerful way. Likewise, I can see now how I mistreated some colleagues in the past because I was unable to see or own my cognitive distortions as we tried to work through problems and conflicts. Hopefully, this will help me be a better professional going forward. Additionally, I have missed opportunities to break down racist and sexist policies and procedures in education because of my ignorance and lack of courage. Embracing the power of antiracism, I can move forward in being an advocate for those who have been marginalized and underrepresented.
It is important for me to also acknowledge that I have accomplished many good things in my life, and I have made a difference in the lives of many people. Like every other human, my life is a mix of good and bad, ups and downs. Looking back at my journey so far, I did the best that I could do with what I knew back then. But as Maya Angelou once said, “when we know better, we do better”. To be true to myself and to others, I can no longer make excuses about past mistakes and failures. I must learn from them and move forward with greater insight in my actions and decisions. I need to be conscious in recognizing that there are times when I am not seeing or treating some as equals and to change accordingly. Ironically, the more I accept my own human frailty and imperfections, I gain strength and power to become the man I want to be. I would encourage everyone to take a hard look at your own answers to the earlier questions. How could they change your life?